Cold

This snow and cold was a little unexpected. It shouldn’t have been–it’s the middle of November in Iowa, we get cold and snow in the middle of November in Iowa because Old Man Winter is an impatient grump who can’t wait his turn. But it is what it is. It’s cold and snowy now.

The other day at my job, a patron came in whose daughter I went to school with. Her daughter was always a bit of a bully, and she said something mean to me on the bus once. I think we were in 6th grade. After the patron left I was thinking about that experience on the bus. I don’t think the girl’s mother even knew who I was, but I sure remember her daughter and what she said to me. And that led me to remembering a situation in which I went along with some “cool kids” on the bus when they were being mean to a couple of boys (also in 6th grade, I believe–it must have been a rough year on my bus…), and I still feel awful about it. I actually saw one of those boys a few years ago, and mentioned that I remembered saying something mean to him and that I immediately felt bad about it (and had ever since) and that I was sorry and I hoped he was doing well. He said he didn’t even remember me and looked at me like I’d just told him I was sorry for trying to steal his birthday when I played 2nd base for the jazz choir–kind of an “I don’t know you, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to because you’re f-ing nuts” look. And then I felt even worse that I’d said something about it because I figured either he really didn’t remember me and did think I was nuts, or he did remember and it stirred up some bad memories.

Since that time on the bus that I said something hurtful, I’ve tried to be intentional in how I talk to and about other people and even how I think about other people. I realized that words have an impact, and can be used for good or for bad, and I’ve tried not to say things that would be hurtful. Unfortunately, I don’t always succeed. Sometimes, you’re going along in life and you think you’re doing the best you can. You try to learn from your experiences and you read self-help books and you regularly evaluate your progress in becoming who you want to be and you try to be the best version of yourself. And then you get disappointed or frustrated or tired or you’re feeling insecure, and you end up doing or saying something that hurts someone you love. And then you feel like the most garbage human being on the planet. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you’re above doing or saying dumb things, because that’s exactly when you’ll do or say something that doesn’t at all resonate with who you are or who you want to be, and then someone’s feelings will get hurt. To all of you who know me personally, if I’ve ever done or said something that hurt your feelings, I sincerely apologize. It’s never my intention, and I’ll try to do better. I don’t want my heart (or tongue) to be as cold as it is outside. For now I’m going to meditate on a favorite quote of mine for a while: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” -Dalai Lama XIV