Light

Most weekends I try to get homework done for the classes I’m taking. I try to catch up on housework and laundry, and spend time with The Bearded One and our dog. I check my work email to make sure there’s nothing pressing I need to respond to, and I usually go over to my parents’ place on Sundays to do some work in the barn so my dad can have a day off from a few tasks. I also find myself wasting a lot of time scrolling on my phone or watching garbage television. But I always feel bad about that because I feel like I should be working on homework. I’m really good at feeling guilty. But the guilt is almost never productive.

So, this weekend I gave myself a break. I know the next couple of months are going to be nuts wrapping up this semester of grad school and my first year in this job, and I just needed a couple of days where I didn’t think about any of it. So, this weekend I spent time doing whatever I felt like doing. I went for walks and potted up SO many tomato plants. I uncluttered part of the basement, and The Bearded One and I binged The John Wayne Gacy Tapes on Netflix. I still went over and did my normal things in the barn for my dad, and this afternoon I went to my nephew’s drum recital. And I didn’t let myself feel guilty about not working on homework. I’ll get it done, I just didn’t want to think about it this weekend, so I didn’t.

The other day it was super foggy when I went out to run–foggy in that disorienting, claustrophobic way where you can’t see familiar landmarks you know are there and it feels like it’s closing in around you. But I got to the top of a hill during my run, and the fog was thin enough there that I could see the sun peeking through, and I knew that soon the sunlight would burn off the fog. The next few weeks are probably going to feel like that fog–there are so many things I need to do that they feel like they’re closing in on me. But I can see the light of the end of the semester. And these precious couple of days without worry are going to give me the boost I need to get through the next few weeks to that light.