I’m not always proud of what I do or who I’ve been. And often it’s because I know I’m not really living up to my potential. I’ve had an incredibly easy life compared to so many people I know, and it’s not because I deserve it. Well, that’s not true, I guess–I think we ALL deserve to have love, stability, and support and to have our needs provided for as we’re growing up. I’m just one of the lucky few who actually made it to adulthood with all of those things, and without any major challenges. My parents are still married, they were always able to provide for us, I never experienced abuse or major trauma, I’ve always been decent at most things I try without having to work at them much, and I have about every privilege you could imagine except for my gender. I haven’t always understood how lucky I am, though. I legitimately didn’t realize that some people struggled in school. I was unaware that kids in my classes didn’t always have stable shelter and food provided for them. I had no idea that I had so many advantages. And, although in the last few years I’ve started to understand how easy my life has been, I know that I will never fully understand the struggles that other people face. And I think that having even a tiny understanding of the advantages I’ve had makes me feel worse to know that I’m not working as hard as I could be to achieve…well, anything.
It’s not that I’ve been handed a huge trust fund or inheritance and squandered it, but sometimes it feels like I may as well have, because I was lucky enough to have been born into some pretty cushy circumstances, and what have I actually done with my life up to this point? I’ve traveled some, which has helped develop my world view, for sure, but has that helped anyone other than me? Doubtful. I was a high school teacher for over a decade, but I think back to my first few years of teaching when I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and then to my last few years of teaching when I had a better idea of what I was doing but was experiencing enough burnout that I didn’t have the motivation to do it well. And yes, there were certainly times that I worked hard, but did I really make a lasting positive impact on any students’ lives? Hard to say. Now I read and listen to a lot of personal development stuff, and I work at a job where I get to help people some, but do I help anyone with things that are life-changing? Rarely, if ever. And maybe that’s okay–not everyone is meant to change the world. I know I should be happy to be able to make a few people’s days a little brighter occasionally. But am I really content with that? I honestly don’t know, though the fact that I’m writing this post probably means that I’m not.
I come from a family who places a lot of value in volunteering, and I know the sense of purpose and fulfillment that giving of your time and talents can bring. I also now work a job where some evenings and weekends are required but my schedule isn’t consistent at all, so it makes scheduling volunteer opportunities a challenge. And one thing I used to volunteer for fairly regularly (community theatre), which provided me with a creative outlet and brought me real joy, seems impossible to try to manage with an inconsistent work schedule, a partner who works long hours, and a dog who needs a fair amount of exercise and interaction with her people. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know I want my life to have more meaning than it currently does, and I’m trying to figure out how to make that happen. I’m on a mission to find my mission.
If you’ve never seen or read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, this will probably sound strange, but someone I know shared this on social media recently, and it struck a chord with me:
It’s just been in the last few years, when I really started working on becoming a better version of myself, that I’ve realized how much power I have in my own life. And I still struggle with it in a lot of ways, but I’m learning to trust myself, because I know that I’m the one who will have to live with my choices. I also know that no one else is going to swoop in and make my life what I want it to be. I once heard someone on a podcast say, “Your fairy godmother’s not coming” and that phrase stuck with me. It stuck hard. I don’t remember who said it or even which podcast I heard it on, but the speaker was basically encouraging people to take responsibility for creating the kind of life they want to have. It’s become my mantra when I feel like procrastinating. It helps remind me that if there’s something I want to get done, I can do it now or I can do it later, or it just won’t get done–really, those are the only options. So I might as well just do it now so Future Me will benefit. Of course I don’t always remember this, and I still procrastinate sometimes even when I do remember. And I still spend a LOT of time in my cozy little comfort zone, but I’m working on it. Because I know I’m a little late to the party, but as I move into middle age I finally understand that if I want something in my life to change, I have to be the one to change it. So I’m working on figuring out what I want the meaning of my life to be, because it can be whatever I want it to be. And I’m taking it upon myself to be my own fairy godmother. Because, otherwise, my fairy godmother’s just not coming.
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