I talked last week in a post titled Good Fences about how we should all have strive to keep our own “beasts” under control. I realized later that I probably should have also mentioned that having good fences, even when your neighbors don’t, can protect you as well.
For example, if someone’s goats get out (as I hear goats are wont to do), but you have a fence around your blackberry patch, they may not get in to do any damage. Likewise, in our interactions with others, if someone says something, we have a choice on whether we let it into our mental “yard”. We decide how we hear what was said, regardless of the intention of the speaker. This is something I’ve seen and heard over and over since I started reading self-help books and listening to self-development podcasts–we have the power to choose how we think about and respond to everything that happens. It can be a hard thing to admit sometimes–that our reactions are up to us. And of course I know that some people have conditions that limit their ability to control how they feel and act, but for the majority of people, big changes can be made in our lives just based on what we choose to believe and how we choose to behave when things happen. It takes a lot of mental work to get there, and it requires the ability to think through your feelings to see what your triggers are, and to rewrite your internal script. But what is life if not the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves?
The main thing to remember, that can make this easier, is that what people do always means more about them than about you. Everyone’s heard that phrase, “No one can make you feel a certain way without your permission.” I used to think that was bull, because there had definitely been times in my life where people had said things that were hurtful. But the older I get, and the more self-reflection I do, the more I realize that the hurtful things only hurt because I allowed them to. That isn’t to say that people should get a free pass to do and say whatever they want, regardless of how it might affect other people. And it’s not to say that we should ignore things that are done that inadvertently (or worse, intentionally) affect others in a negative way. Just that we should work to develop the self awareness and self confidence it takes to hear what people say, decide whether it has merit or not, and, if it doesn’t, keep a fence up so we can use our energy to make a positive impact on the world. Yes, I think we should all be operating using the three “gates” (which are often attributed to Rumi, but for which I can’t find a solid source to cite): “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” (To be clear, I don’t always succeed at this, though I do try.) But if someone else fails to use those gates, don’t let their words run willy nilly through your mind, digging up your mental gardens and disrupting the good work you’re trying to do, because at some point we all need to take responsibility for ourselves. Yes–good fences make good neighbors…but good neighbors make good fences.
growingmoxie.com 