I’ve agonized over what my “discussion tool” for talking to those I disagree with should include, exactly, but for now I’ve settled on some “rules”. I want to start challenging people, strategically, when they share obviously inflammatory content on social media with which I patently disagree. Actually, the more I think about it, even if I kind of DO agree with the content, if it’s obviously inflammatory I may engage, because I think even some people whose views I share need to dial down the rhetoric. But it’s tricky. We’re kind of in a delicate balance, so I’m trying to be extra-super careful how I go about things. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve made it a point NOT to share things that I know will likely lead to comments that will devolve into online “shouting” matches because I don’t think that’s an effective way to try to reach people. But, in part because of that, I’ve mostly avoided the tough conversations entirely. I understand how privileged I am to be able to do that but, as in other areas of my life, it’s past time for me to step out of my comfort zone. I want to have meaningful exchanges with people, and I want those exchanges to be productive. And, since I do have all of the privileges that come with being white, American, middle class, cisgender, and heterosexual, I know that I need to use my relative social safety to try to make changes, at least in my circle.
So, to begin with, I think I’m going to start commenting on people’s Facebook posts that I think need to be challenged. But I know that I probably shouldn’t post the first thing that pops into my head. Not that I would, anyway–I’m the kind of person who likes to fully form a thought, revise it, proofread it, reword it, proofread it some more, and then continue to overthink it for a few minutes before sharing it outside my own mind. That’s why it takes me a week to write a blog post. There have been times in my life that I did just let my thoughts come out my mouth, but then I’ve usually ended up saying something that I didn’t mean, or saying something that I thought I did mean in the moment, but after I said it and had a second to actually consider what I’d said, I realized that I didn’t WANT to mean it.
Side note: I’ve probably mentioned it before in a blog post, but if I haven’t, there’s a quote that’s become kind of a mantra for me, especially when examining my own biases: “You’re not responsible for your first thought. You ARE responsible for your second thought and your first action.” I don’t know who to attribute that quote to, but I find it both humbling and empowering. And it’s a good thing to remember when debating because, to be honest, I think we need to debate. But we need to debate in an attempt to understand and learn from each other, not just to spout off. I think, especially in the social media age when posts on the internet can haunt us forever, it’s so important for ALL OF US to really examine what we believe, and why we believe it. But it’s equally important for ALL OF US to remember that not everyone who believes differently than we do is a bad person, and that approaching them as if they’re evil incarnate only serves to divide us more.
So, as I enter into these difficult conversations and debates, here are some general rules I came up with by which I plan to abide. I invite anyone else who wants real lasting change in this country to also consider these “Rules of Engagement”:
- Don’t be a hypocrite. Did you publicly make fun of the previous president’s age or appearance? No trying to call anyone out when they make fun of the current president, then. This kind of thing will get you attacked from the get-go, no matter which side you’re on. And if you realize that you’ve done or said things that aren’t helpful to your cause, admit it–to yourself and to others. Taking responsibility for what you do and say, and admitting when you’ve been wrong, can go a long way in, well, every facet of life.
- Keep your emotions in check. Yes, challenging topics can be emotional for a lot of us. And I’m not saying anyone’s passion should be squelched. But if you want to avoid fruitless debates, and strive to actually make connections with others, take some time after reading the comments before you respond–take a deep breath, and redirect your passion into thinking how to best communicate the point you want to get across.
- Choose your words veeeery carefully. As frustrating as it can be, don’t forget that people will use your own words against you in a heartbeat. This kind of ties back to not being a hypocrite and keeping your emotions in check, but beyond that, just remember that words matter. Tone and body language matter, too, in person, but they’re much harder to glean in text format, so your words have to be nearly perfect when discussing things online. Try to make sure that, whatever you say, it can’t be used against you. No name calling or personal attacks. The goal is to make a connection–build a foundation.
- Be informed and prepared. One thing I’ve started doing lately is listening to a lot more news. I admit that, in the interest of my own mental health, I mostly tuned out for a while, only keeping up with the most noteworthy events. But now I feel like I NEED to know what’s going on so I can respond effectively. This may mean even watching/listening to some news outlets that are biased at both ends of the political spectrum. I need to know what others are consuming so I can research what’s being said and get a better understanding of what ideas people might have, even if they aren’t expressing them all.
- Ask questions. I’m not solely seeking to change people’s minds. I know I don’t have all the answers, and I also know that, as much as I like to think I am, I may not always be right. I hate to burst your bubble, but you probably aren’t either. If we go into debates feeling superior and self-righteous, that condescension is going to be felt from the other side. Instead of going in thinking I can just change someone’s mind, I know that I need to ask why people feel the way they do. And then I need to genuinely consider how they answer.
- Empathy is the answer. I mentioned someone named Ryan Dowd in my last blog post. He’s the director of a homeless shelter outside Chicago, and I’m calling back to him again here. One of the main principles he teaches is that “Empathy is the answer“. I even bought a t-shirt from his organization with that phrase on it because I think it’s so true. If we look at each other’s circumstances, and really try to understand where the others are coming from, we have a much higher chance of avoiding major conflict and finding ways to get along.
I know that debating while following these rules probably only has the potential to be effective with people who want a less divided America. With people who are advocating for another civil war, it likely won’t do any good, so I think what we need to focus on first is establishing lines of communication with people with whom we disagree, but who we know really do want the country to succeed as a whole. If we can get some kind of dialogue started with these people, we’ll be stronger together moving forward. It’s obviously concerning that there are so many people in this country who don’t want that. But I think Amanda Gorman said it best in her poem at President Biden’s inauguration, entitled “The Hill We Climb”. The whole poem was powerful and astute, but this stanza really stuck out to me, given my current focus:
“And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us,
but what stands before us.
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside.
We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another.
We seek harm to none and harmony for all.
Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true.
That even as we grieved, we grew.
That even as we hurt, we hoped;
that even as we tired, we tried;
that we’ll forever be tied together, victorious.
Not because we will never again know defeat,
but because we will never again sow division.“
If you didn’t catch Gorman reciting the poem that she wrote, please watch it:
Maybe I’m naive to think that any of my efforts will help the social climate here, but I still believe that if enough people attempt to thoughtfully engage, if nothing else, it could serve to “lower the temperature” of debates on social media, and help us learn how to truly listen to each other again. And then maybe, just maybe, we’ll start to create a country where, as Amanda Gorman also shared:
“We will not march back to what was,
but move to what shall be.
A country that is bruised but whole,
benevolent but bold,
fierce and free.“
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